Sometimes being happy is even scarier than having lots of change or sadness. It’s hard to say “I’m in a good space” or feel “I’m happy” when maybe there’s been a history of sadness or “bad things” happenings. I feel that sometimes. Whenever people ask me how things are, I’m inclined to say “They’re good, but… *insert excuse for stress or unhappiness*”. Or someone will ask how work is, and instead of saying fantastic, I’ll say “Good, but *insert excuse for stress or unhappiness*”.
Perhaps I’m neurotic. Perhaps things haven’t always gone smoothly. Or perhaps I’m seeing the glass as half empty, not half full. But mostly, happiness is quite frightening, because what if that changes, or what if I don’t really deserve it? And am I “allowed” to be happy, even when things aren’t “perfect”? And if I’m happy, am I doing “justice” to all the pains that have been, and all the problems that are.
And most of the time, these useless thoughts and feelings are the only obstacles to my feeling fabulous all the time. I often lament what isn’t, what I don’t have, rather than focusing on what is right and awesome. And I often think that things will be better with 10kg off, and when I have a bigger house, or that things can’t be great until my mom is better, or until I’m really fit. But I’m losing precious happy moments right now. And that’s scary.
Max, I hope you’ll know that you deserve happiness, as does everyone. And it might be scary feeling it when so many things are awry or imperfect. But it’s scarier even not allowing yourself to get there.
Yours in happiness,
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